Things always seem to get better.

Heading into the college tomorrow to take classes and a test. I’ve read 90 pages of a pretty horrid study book within 2 days, while busy with other schoolwork and home situations, and read the 90 pages a second time, all in another day, for extra studying only to realize the college test… is open book. Ha! Oh well! More knowledge for me. 

This week’s off to an exciting start- middle?

Let’s see what note this week will end on, shall we? 

Rat Within the Grain - Damien Rice (Cover)

Lyrics:

This would not have happened
If I hadn’t missed my plane
I’ve would have been there when they told you
I’m the Rat within the grain

Within this big misunderstanding now
I’m being misunderstood
I think’in someones trying to fuck with me
And set fire to my wood

I wouldn’t want you to want
To be wanted by me
I wouldn’t want you to worry
You’d be drowned within my sea
I only wanted to be wonderful
And wonderful is true
In truth I only really wanted
To be wanted by you

It’s a stupid situation now
Where everything goes wrong
If you can’t tell if I am lying
Then you do not belong

In my bed
Go rest your head
Upon the bones of a bigger man
He can cover you with rock wool
And you can close up like a clam

I wouldn’t want you to want
To be wanted by me
I wouldn’t want you to worry
You’d be drowned within my sea

I only wanted to be wonderful
And wonderful is true
In truth I only really wanted
To be wanted by you

So go play with your piano
Write a mediocre song
Out the shell of mediocrity
And pretend there’s nothing wrong

I never thought you where a chicken shit
I never thought of you at all
Until you asked me to be part of it
Now you’re showing me your wall

I wouldn’t want you to want
To be wanted by me
I wouldn’t want you to worry
You’d be drowned within my sea

I only wanted to be wonderful
And wonderful is true
In truth I only really wanted
To be wanted by you
 

Wish I could say things have been going well, but I’d be lying. To a HUGE degree - I dislike lying.

Just woke up, 3am, shivers, feel sick, heart’s racing, scared more than ever… Nightmares every night. I just can’t catch a break from this ‘fear’ thing. Sucks.

I can’t say I’m a fan of who I’ve been lately, however, I guess it’s probably just my perception on things, as more and more people befriend me every day. I just feel… Well… Stupid, unfulfilled, and sinful. I can’t imagine why, but I feel as if I need to change.
I try to avoid my past, as I don’t care reliving nightmares.

Just like everyone else on this planet, I’ve met amazing people and pushed them away; but it seems as if everyone else can just shy away from their losses and move on. Why can’t I? I haven’t lost many friends, but I had pushed away many important ones. Why can’t I move on from that? It’s like, I really can’t move on, I need to mend the friendship(s). But we all know that’s an impossible thing to do. What am I supposed to do?

I’d guess that all I can do to make things better Is really trust in God and stay positive.

I’ve been very good at hiding behind a happy mask while around people; but when I’m alone, all I can think about are those I’d pushed away, those I’d creeped out, the friends/family of mine who’d died, and the mistakes I’ve made. Am I really this bad of a person? Why can’t I move on from anything? Gah this is ridiculous.

I find it very hard to stay positive, let alone fully happy. But I believe in God and I know He’ll save me from this rough patch in my life. He works on His own time, and I’ll just have to push myself through these horrid times.

Upset, depressed, frustrated, alone. What else is there to describe me right now? 

I hate to be negative, but this really really sucks.

As many may know, I’d been on Break since practically December ‘11. In about a week, I’ll be back at school, working very hard, taking SIX classes.
I’m so excited for classes to begin! I’ve had enough, being anti-social, staying in my room, sleeping much of the time. It’s time to get back into the swing of things, grab my pencil, and work hard!

Life’s been incredibly rough for me, during these past few months, but all I have to remember is that the Lord is by my side, through thick and thin, and everything WILL work out for the best!

Thank you, Lord! For everything! 

Happy birthday, John Iuso. You would be 20 today. In a few week’s I’ll be catching up to that age as well. I’m glad we were only ten days apart in age. We’d have 2 birthday parties in less than weeks! How fun is that? Well, that is if you count my twin’s and mine as the same party. I hope everything’s well in Heaven, and I pray that you’re having a blast, up there! I’m sure you are!
I think about you daily bro, and I still can’t believe you’re gone. You were like a brother to me.
I remember how you would head over to our house on Pond Street, every day before school, back in Fourth grade, and you, James and I would play so many rounds of Smash Brothers: Melee. I remember those times. They’ll always be close to my heart.
So happy birthday John! I’ll be thinking of you…

Love and miss you, bro;
-Devin.

“Lonely Soldier” Cover

Yaaaawn at the end. Lovely. Very attractive (kidding…)

So I’ve been thinking recently. I’d been really trying hard to push myself past my limits.

I’m taking six classes this semester and I WILL do well. Do you know how I know this? Because I have faith! Anything is possible if you believe in Jesus! I will succeed.

I want a great future with a great family and I want to be able to provide great food and shelter for them. So I will push myself harder than I’d ever had previously. I will do well! Promise.

I’ll be dropping my guitar, games, art things, and will be studying in my free time once classes start up again. I’ll spend weekends working towards the A’s I deserve!

I can do this! I’ve got faith! C’mon classes! Show me what you’ve got!